What Was Lost
by PirateColey
Summary: As a child, Fíli hated his Uncle Thorin. So, how does an angry child become a loyal heir?


Written for a prompt from ballykissangel (I hope you like it, dearheart). She wanted something angsty about how a young Fíli disliked his uncle, and what happened to change his mind. I tried to do angst, but Fíli was having none of it- he was really angry, so I just ran with it.

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T.A. 2941

As a small child Fíli hated his Uncle Thorin.

Thinking back on it now, as they sit on the ramparts of Erebor, Fíli can't help marvel over how far they have come. Thorin is the uncle who helped raise him and his brother. The one who showed him what it was to be a man. The king he followed without hesitation on this quest. Thorin leads the family he would gladly die for. It's been years since Fíli has let himself think too deeply on the days of his childhood. Mostly, he remembers all the mischief he and Kíli caused, or his mother's lullabies. Sometimes, when his thoughts turn inward, he remembers the particular scent of his father's pipe-smoke or the gravel-voiced bedtime stories. Now though, his mind drifts to his uncle and what was lost.

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T.A. 2864

Fíli's momma is expecting a new baby soon, and he hopes beyond hope that it'll be a brother for him to play with. There are very few dwarf children in the mountains and with how often the family moves, it's difficult to make friends. A brother would be a friend who was always with him. A brother would be perfect.

He plays happily with his wooden horses, while his momma hums softly in the kitchen. She sets out plates for supper and carefully tends the stew simmering on the stove top. Fíli's horses are engaged in a Very Important Race, which spans the length of sitting room. He happily bounces them over the floorboards, making them buck and whiny as he sees fit.

There is a loud knock at the door and Fíli expects it to be daddy, who has been away for Far Too Long looking for work. Daddy is a miner and sometimes has to go away for several weeks in order to work in neighboring mines. Fíli misses his daddy fiercely and is always excited when he comes home. Maybe tonight there will be a new story for bedtime or even a special treat to snack on.

The door opens, but it is not daddy. Instead, there is a tall dwarf who Fíli vaguely remembers to be his uncle. "Thorin?" Fíli's momma comes out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. "Thorin, what is it?" Fíli's horses have reached the end of their race and he absently looks around for another game to play.

"It is Grár." Uncle's rough voice makes Fíli look up. "There was a band of orcs. I am _so_ sorry."

Fíli watches in confusion as his momma starts to sob. Mommas aren't supposed to be sad. They're supposed to be happy and singy and huggy and warm. Before Fíli can ask her what's wrong, her sobs turn from grief to pain. "Thorin! The baby!" She clutches at her belly, leaning heavy against the wall for support.

"Momma?" Fíli's horses lay forgotten on the floor.

Uncle is helping momma to the bedroom. He looks back at Fíli with a Very Angry Glare. "Run next door and get Missus Faíln. Now!" Tears slip down his face as Fíli does what he's told. Soon the neighbor lady is in with momma, and there is lots of screaming and crying.

Uncle comes out and sits next to him on the hearth. "Do you know what is happening?" Fíli shakes his head. "Your mother is having the baby now. It's early, but by Mahal's grace everything will turn out."

"Mommas aren't supposed to cry." Fíli scrunches his face. "I want daddy! He'll make the crying stop!"

"Lad, there is something you must know. Your father..." Uncle's eyes are dark. "Your father isn't going to be coming home. He's gone."

Fíli's eyes are wide. "Gone where?"

"To the Halls of Mandos." Uncle places a hand on his shoulder, but he pulls away.

"No." Fíli whimpers. "Bring him back!"

"I can't bring back what was lost. I'm sorry."

Fíli sobs and a tiny wailing cry joins his from the other room. Missus Faíln pokes her head out and makes the sign for _boy_.

Uncle sits and stares at him until the tears stop. "Your mother needs you to be strong and grownup." Fíli's lower lip quivers and Uncle gives him a Very Disapproving Stare. "You have a baby brother now and it will be your job to help raise him."

"I'll play with him every day." Fíli says, his small hands locked into fists.

"He is much to little to play. For now he will sleep and eat and cry." Uncle rubs his eyes. "Playing will not come until much later. For now, you must protect him."

Fíli wraps his arms tightly around himself. Uncle says his daddy is gone and his new brother is too little to play with. It is the worst day ever.

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T.A. 2877

What irritates Fíli most is not that Uncle Thorin adores his brother- Kíli is bright as sunshine and draws everyone to him. What irritates Fíli most is that Kíli idolizes their Uncle Thorin. He tries not to be mad at his baby brother, who is too little to remember their father. Still, he wishes Kíli would have picked someone besides Uncle Thorin to look up to. Maybe someone like himself. After all, he's the one who takes care of his brother. While Kíli is free to share his laughter and smiles with everyone, Fíli has to keep his distance. They have no father now, and it is his job to watch for danger and to keep the impulsive Kíli safe from harm.

While their mum is hanging laundry in the yard, Fíli and his brother take full advantage of her absence. A fresh batch of pecan cookies, cooling on the table, are far too tempting a treat for the young dwarflings. Kíli is still too small to reach the tabletop, even when he stands on his tiptoes, so Fíli pilfers a cookie for each of them and hands one to his brother.

"Careful, Kíli, it's still hot." He warns, juggling his treat from one hand to the other.

Kíli blows on his own cookie, hoping to cool it down faster. "It smells yummy!" He touches his tongue to the cookie, hissing when he finds it still hot.

Fíli sighs and places his own cookie back on the table. Reaching for his brother's, he breaks the treat in half, so the steam can escape. "It'll be cool enough in a moment."

He is rewarded with one of Kíli's brightest smiles, the kind that lights up his whole face. "Thanks, Fee!"

The door opens and both boys freeze, certain they are about to be caught by their mother. Kíli reacts first, shoving the entire cookie into his mouth before it can be taken away. Fíli knows what's coming and responds quickly, slapping his brother's back as the younger chokes on his treat.

It's not their mum, but Uncle Thorin who comes through the door. Kíli throw himself into a hug, but Fíli pulls back, his cookie forgotten on the table.

"Have you come to play with us?" Kíli bounces happily at their Uncle Thorin's feet. "We could play battle and I can be the warrior and you can be my horsy and Fee can be the dragon and..."

Uncle Thorin cuts Kíli off with a hearty laugh and scoops his youngest nephew into his arms. "We can play whatever you want, lad!"

"Yay! You're the best EVER!" Kíli giggles, swinging himself to Uncle Thorin's shoulders. "C'mon, Fee!"

Fíli looks up at them, torn between wanting to play with his brother and needing to prove how grownup he is. Uncle Thorin's smile slips as he looks at the older boy. "No thanks, brother. I don't feel like playing right now."

A Disappointed Look flashes across Uncle Thorin's face. "You should play with your brother, Fíli."

Fíli settles by the hearth with a book, trying to look busy. "I have important things to do right now, I don't have time to play."

"You are young. There is no reason for you not to play." Fíli focuses hard on the book in front of him. "Come. Play with your brother.

Fíli ignores him.

Uncle Thorin gives a Very Disapproving Glare. "Fíli, look at me when I'm talking to you."

"No! I don't have to! You're not my father!" Fíli doesn't mean to say those words, but now that they're out in the open he can't stop. "You were never around until our father died, and now you come in here like you're trying to take his place!" Hot, angry tears spill from his eyes. "It's obvious Kíli is your favorite because he's too young to notice, but I'm not!"

Uncle Thorin tries to interrupt. "Fili, lad-"

"Why couldn't you have died instead?" Fíli doesn't notice the way Uncle Thorin freezes, or his brother's saucer-wide eyes. "**I hate you**!"

When Fíli races from the house no one follows. He hides in the woods and sobs until his throat is raw and his head pounds. Only then does he compose himself and return to the house. He apologizes to Kíli for not wanting to play and to his Uncle Thorin for being rude. Fíli is expecting a lecture or Disappointed Face, but receives neither. He seals his anger deep inside and vows to keep it hidden.

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T.A. 2894

The thing about anger is that it doesn't just go away, no matter how much you push it down. Fíli knows things are strained between himself and Uncle Thorin, but it's been going on so long he doesn't rightly care anymore. He sees the curiously sad looks occasionally, but most of the time he is met with the Very Disproving Glare, which grows more potent the older he gets.

Fíli does a good job keeping his feelings in check. He doesn't talk back or let himself get provoked into outbursts, in fact, he makes himself a model nephew. When Uncle Thorin needs help in the forge, it is Fíli who offers. When Uncle Thorin tells a joke, it is Fíli who laughs the loudest. When Uncle Thorin gives him a Look of concern, it is Fíli who smiles a little too widely, quietly seething in his anger. By the time the brothers start their weapons training, Fíli has perfected his cover. The only one who can sense the tension is Kíli, and he has learned not to bring it up.

_The anger is still there, stirring just beneath the surface. Waiting._

It's three months into training and Fíli is already good with his swords. He moves as if they are part of his body, blocking and parrying and twirling. He is better than Kíli by far, something he can tell by his brother's envious glances and Uncle Thorin's begrudged compliments. Fíli throws all his force into fighting against the practice dummies, but cushions his blows when sparing with his brother. It's not that he doesn't think Kíli can handle the hits, but more that he feels it goes against his job to protect his brother.

"Enough! Stop going easy on him, Fíli!" Uncle Thorin gives him the Very Disapproving Face. "He's not going to learn if you coddle him like a baby!" Kíli's face falls, obviously unhappy at being called a baby.

_The anger bubbles, looking for a crack in the surface._

"He's not a baby!" Fíli steps in front of his brother. "I just don't see the point in beating each other black and blue, just because you say to."

Uncle Thorin hefts his own practice blade. "Then why don't you give it a go with me?"

"You want to see how good I am when I don't hold back?" Fíli smirks, taking up his guard and striking the first blow.

The move is blocked and countered. "No, I want you to see that you're a child with big words and nothing to back them up."

_The anger boils over, pressing at his guard once a weakness is found._

Fíli springs into action, slashing and striking without thought. It takes only moments for Uncle Thorin to get through his defense, landing a hard blow on Fíli's back, which sends him sprawling. When he looks up, he finds a practice blade against his throat.

"You're dead. It took ten seconds." The Very Disappointed Face is laced with something darker. "You need to learn to keep your head in battle, otherwise it will be too easy for the enemy to goad you into making mistakes."

They stare at each other for a long moment, neither willing to break the others gaze. It is Kíli who pulls their attention away, holding up a dwarven short bow, and asking if he might try it out.

_The anger churning in his stomach mates with embarrassment and leaves him feeling sullen and confused. _

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T.A. 2910

The years have dulled the anger in Fíli's soul to the dull ache of dislike. He is far too busy to harbor more than an endless grudge against Thorin, what with working at the forge, weapons practice, and keeping Kíli out of trouble.

When Thorin requests his company on a scouting trip, Fíli issues a sigh and a refusal. "I don't want to leave Kíli alone."

"We'll be gone two nights." Thorin sighs.

"It is my job to protect him." Fíli matches Thorin's stare.

"He'll be safe inside the city." The Disproving Face. "Pack your things, this is not open for discussion."

Fíli thinks fleetingly about refusing, but the years of tension have worn him down and his resolve falters. "Fine."

The paths they travel are dark and dense with trees. Fíli has never been on a scouting mission before, and finds himself unnerved. Every moving shadow makes him jump, every sound causes the skin on his neck to crawl. The first day of the trip passes in uneventful silence, but just past noon on the second day Thorin holds up a finger and drops to a crouch. He makes a single gesture with his hand- _Goblins- _and Fíli nods in grim accordance. They try to retreat back down the path, but the goblins hear and are on them in seconds.

They are outnumbered, four on two, and Fíli has never seen battle outside the practice fields. He moves on instinct, back-to-back with Thorin, as the older dwarf tries to draw the attacks onto himself. Thorin downs the first goblin with ease, but the second proves to be better trained.

For his part, Fíli holds his own, keeping the remaining goblins at bay. The second goblin goes down with a well-placed blade to the chest.

As Fíli turns his full attention on the remaining foe, a sharp blow to the side of his head causes him to cry out in pain. Blood drips into his eyes as he faces down his attacker. Thorin turns, and seeing his nephew bloodied, launches a frenzied attack. Fíli lays out the third goblin and turns to help with the last opponent.

Thorin's frantic attacks leave him open and the remaining creature manages to disarm his sword. Fíli steps in and guts the fourth goblin before it can move in for the kill.

Thorin looks at his nephew for a long moment before gathering him up in a hug. "I could have lost you."

Confused, Fíli pulls back. "Lost me? You're the one who couldn't keep his head in battle."

Fíli is expecting to see the Disappointed Face and is utterly surprised when Thorin laughs. "You're right about that, lad. I know better then to let my emotions cloud my judgment. But knowing it from training is different from experiencing it in battle when someone I love is in danger."

Convinced that the blow to his head is causing hallucinations, Fíli heads in the direction of their camp. Thorin follows and soon they are resting in front of a warm fire, binding their wounds.

"You did well today." Thorin is the first to break the silence.

"I followed my training." Fíli shrugs. "I told you that I could handle myself. You'd have seen it before if you hadn't pushed me so hard."

"I did, but only _because_ I pushed you." Thorin turns to look at his nephew. "If I had never laid you out at practice, what would you have done when the goblin stuck you?"

"I would have continued to fight!" Fíli pauses for a moment, reigning in his ire. "But the pain might have distracted me if I had not been prepared for it."

"Now do you see why I push you? And why I don't want you to cosset your brother?"

Fíli nods. "Because he needs to know what could happen so he's prepared for it."

"Yes!" Thorin smiles. "If he doesn't learn now it will leave him without valuable skills if he should get into trouble!"

"Knowing Kíli it's not a matter of _if_, but _when_." They both laugh, though Thorin turns serious after a moment.

"Listen, lad. I know we've our problems and that you don't much care for me..." Fíli sighs. "...but I think we need to get things sorted before someone gets hurt. It's dangerous in battle when you do not trust your shield-mate."

"Is there to be a battle?" Fíli presses a hand absently against his bandaged head.

"Some day, yes." Thorin stares off into the distance. "I mean to take back what was lost to us. Erebor. Our home."

Fíli feels an unfamiliar clench in his chest. "Then we'd best get on with it."

"I have no children of my own..." Thorin begins, frowns, then starts again. "I never knew how to handle you. Kíli was easy- he didn't know loss and was happy so long as he got enough praise and attention. You were different. You were sullen and withdrawn, like you didn't trust anyone who wasn't your mother or brother."

"I didn't. Don't." Fíli shrugs. "You told me the night Kíli was born that my job was to keep him safe. I have."

"I didn't say not to trust anyone else!" Thorin's eyes darken. "I never told you to stop behaving like a child!"

"But you did!" Fíli clenches his fists at his side. "You told me my father was dead, then gave me the task of protecting Kíli. You told me to grow up that night and I resented you for it!"

"Oh, lad. I didn't know what else to say. Your mother was despondent and in labor, I was beside myself with grief!" Thorin wipes a hand across his eyes. "I didn't know what to do with a child, never mind a fatherless one. I tried to help, but I see now that I may have done more harm then good."

Fíli blinks back his own tears. "You were good to Kíli. As much as I hated you, I could never deny that."

"I thought things would get better with time." Thorin shrugs. "But you grew into a furious boy, all sharp edges and spite beneath the surface."

"For a long time I couldn't see past my own anger. I thought you were trying to take father's place."

Thorin shakes his head. "Never! Grár was a good man and a loving father."

"I know that now. Fíli sighs, looking into the distance. "I was wrong."

"We both were." Thorin shifts uncomfortably. "I should have tried to remedy this long again, but I was too proud to ask forgiveness of a child."

"But you're not too proud now?" Fíli looks at his uncle, brow raised uncertainly.

"I am not talking to a child. I am asking the forgiveness of a man." Thorin stands, holding a hand out to his nephew. "We cannot fix all the years we've lost, but I would like to try and make a new start."

Fíli regards his uncle for a long moment before standing and clasping his hand. "I would like nothing more."

...

T.A. 2941

As a small child Fíli hated his Uncle Thorin. But with the air cleared and their positions known, things gradually got better.

Now, standing at the gates of Erebor, things are different. Fíli looks at his uncle with fondness, loyalty, and even love. Things will never be perfect. What was lost can never be returned and no amount of time can erase the bad memories, though now they are tempered with the good. Fíli will always be too solemn, easy to anger, and overprotective of his brother. And Thorin will always push his nephew too hard, thinking it's for his own good. Still, Fíli trusts Thorin with his life and knows his uncle feels the same. This is why he doesn't question when Thorin tells them to ready their weapons. They exchange a Look, both knowing the outlook is bleak, but when the gates are opened, they gather Kíli and face the future together.

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Reviews keep the muse happy. Please let me know what you think- constructive criticism is always welcome. :)


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